Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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