It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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