you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
