they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
