Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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