Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
