Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
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I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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