she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
