i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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