There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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