he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
