i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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