i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
