Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
