Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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