Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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