I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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