I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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