Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
