you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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