I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
