I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
