my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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