Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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