We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
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Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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