i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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