I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
