Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
