My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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