and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
