....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
