remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
