i just sent this text using only my big toe
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
