I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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