who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
