3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
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