Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
