1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
