I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
