Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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