I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
