i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
