i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
