you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
