Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
These tits shall not be calmed
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
