If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
