I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just gift wrapped bread.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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