I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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