I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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