Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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