I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
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Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
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I think my nap took me to another dimension
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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