apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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