sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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