having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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