do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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