You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
