dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
